Beauty for Ashes

As I sit here in this bed, considering all my overwhelming emotions, my heart filled with pain and questions. I am trying my best to gain a new direction and path from the mess of my past expectations.

Nothing looks familiar to me; I cannot recognize the life in front of me. I know I am living a life, but is this the life that belongs to me? I know that I will not be here for the rest of my life; the plan is more significant.

No! it cannot be my life; I am still supposed to be married to the father of our six beautiful children. We are supposed to be millionaires, working in ministry raising our children together. We are supposed to be doing this together. We are supposed to be making a positive impact in the community. I am supposed to be living the rest of my life out with the man I fell in love with at the tender age of 16; we had six beautiful children together. He was supposed to be my forever, no outsiders, just us.

We are supposed to be enjoying each other’s company, watch our children grow to be strong in the Lord, with the pleasure of having both parents. We broke standards, giving people hope when they saw us; we are supposed to be laughing together and happy. We are supposed to the testimony of God, one of the reasons he looks down from heaven and smiles.

Instead, I am here, my chest heavy with sorrow, and my heart filled with tears because I do not recognize this place. How did I get here? I had no plans for this dirt road; the reroute was not a part of my timeframe. Jermaine was not supposed to get out of the car; he was not supposed to be dropped off on a different road from the children and me. He was supposed to be on the same path as mine. Our trip together was supposed to last an eternity.

What happened God, I did it right. I got my life together, married the man you sent, cared for him, loved him, prayed for him, took care of the children, and stayed faithful. Lord, what happened, and when will I feel any normalcy? Who will be a part of this trip now? Will they get out too? Who is supposed to father my fatherless children now?????

What do you do when the path you are traveling is nothing like you planned? In this book, you will find that life is funny, and even though we do not plan for it, God always has a detour worth the inconvenience.

I want my beauty for ashes; I have had my time to think, have learned many lessons, and have endured many challenges; now I want my promise, and I will not settle for anything less.